Derrick

6:17 a.m.

The sun started streaming into my car window and woke me up.  I was shivering.  I called momma again.

“Hello?  Hey baby, what’s wrong?”

“Derrick tried to kill himself.  He cut his wrists and I’m locked in my car.  I’m afraid to go back into the house and I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Did you call 911?”

“No.”

“Good.  They’ll put him on suicide watch and he’ll never be able to live this down.  That wouldn’t be good for Derrick Jr. to know either.  I’ll be right there.”

Instantly I felt better.  Momma was there in 10 minutes.  I was mad when I saw my 16 year old brother Joey trailing behind her.

Momma opened the door first, and I poked my head in behind her.  I was afraid of what I would find.  Joey pulled up the rear wiping sleep from his eyes.

To my surprise, Derrick was still alive.  He was sitting there on the couch in the living room with both arms (now cut) lying on his lap with a towel under each arm to catch the blood.  His tear stained face was staring at the wall.  The next thing I know he started puking in his lap.

“Baby, what did you do?” Momma asked looking at Derrick.

He started to answer and more puke started coming up.  I saw half dissolved, blue, white, and yellow pills.

“I took everything we had in the medicine cabinet.”

Derrick part one

DERRICK

2:33 a.m.

“Oooooowwww!” was all I heard.  It started softly at first, and then it got louder and louder.  I blinked my tired eyes to get my focus.  The street light shining in the room allowed me to see the shape of Derrick’s body lying next to me in the bed.  But he was dangling over the side like he was trying to get something off the floor.

 He got louder.  “Oooooooww!!!”

  Finally I sat up to see what he was doing.  I saw a towel and some brown stuff.

I turned and looked at the bright red of the alarm clock.  What is this fool doing at 2:33 in the damn morning!?!?!?

I rolled out of bed and turned on the light.  I gasped at what I saw.  He had a razor blade in his hand and was cutting his arms with tears in his eyes.

He looked up at me and said, “Don’t leave me Kay.  You always threaten to leave me when I’m about to do something, great.”

I started to panic.  My heart was pounding in my ears.  I felt like I wanted to puke.  Derrick talked about killing himself often and the very first time he did, it had nothing to do with me.   He was having baby momma drama and one day he casually said he should kill himself.  Then the idiot started telling me what he wanted his mom to know if she should ever ask why he did it.

So I picked up the phone and called his best friend Troy.  Troy said in a matter of fact way, “Oh, he does that all the time.  Just start asking him about his album collection and who should get what.  He’ll snap out of it.”

But now was not the time to call Troy or start asking Derrick what he wanted me to do with his album collection.  Derrick wasn’t talking, he was doing.

I stood there, not knowing what to do.  Should I call 911?  What about my sister?  She’s just a few steps away in the apartment upstairs.  No, Andrea was in newlywed bliss and I decided I wouldn’t disturb her and Keith.

I’ll call Momma.  She always says to keep your cool in desperate situations and it will all work out, if you just don’t panic!!

I told Derrick that I would be right back.  I grabbed my cell phone from my purse and called my Momma.  She always knew the right thing to do and could talk anyone out of doing anything.  But she didn’t answer. Shit! Shit, shit, shit!!!!

Ok, Kayla what are you going to do now?  I’ll just drive to momma’s house!  I mean she’s just 6 blocks away.  I’ll be back in no time and hopefully Derrick will still be alive.

I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.  Derrick heard the door slam and came running outside.

“Kay, where are you going?  Don’t leave me!!!”

I jumped in my car and locked the doors.  Derrick tried to open the passenger door.  He was bawling his eyes out now and hit one of the windows with his bloody wrist in frustration.

It was cold in the car.  I curled up into a ball in the front seat and waited for him to leave.

“Go away Derrick!  I’m not going to open this door! You’re scaring me!”

Derrick turned and walked back into the house.  He turned on the living room light.  My mind started racing.  I figured the next time I walked into that living room, Derrick would be on the floor dead.  I called Momma again.  She didn’t answer.  I kept calling Momma.  And I kept on calling.

That's How You Make Me Feel

**originally posted on my other blog but I'm moving my writing over here**

i imagine

if I were a flower

i’d be a pink rose

after a rainshower

with little beads of water

resting on my petals

rolling down my stem

that finds its roots in my moist Earth that’s

you

i imagine

if I were the wind

i'd be light and whispering

carrying delicious scents

floating over your body

taking your heat with me

blowing up and down

swirling in circles toward my thunder that’s

you

i imagine

if I were the sea

i'd be dark and warm

rippling from your touch

you swimming through me

tickling my insides

traveling left and right

descending down toward my abyss that’s

you

Him

I want to be his muse

I want to be the reason he writes, the reason he hears music

I want to salsa with him forever

I want to spoon with him in the heat of the day

I never want to look up into any other eyes

I never want to kiss any other lips

I never want to be in any other arms

I never want to make him sad

I want to kiss away his wounds and heal his broken heart

I feel his eyes on me even when he’s gone

Those lips

Those dimples

 I want to dive right into them

I want to do the backstroke in those dimples

His eyes have the power to end me, they unclose me

I cannot hide

His smile lifts my spirit and warms me from within

I have a smile to launch a thousand ships and eyes to make an angel cry?

My lips may have started the Persian war?

Honey you had me at hello

My Happy Place

Well I left this blog like a bad relationship.  About a week ago I posted on my other blog (click there -->) BiancaFace that I would post writing from my past and keep myself accountable to my goal of finishing my first (click there -->) novel by December 31^st 2011.  I’m still trying to navigate my way though this writing thing and I’ve decided to once again adjust my goal for this blog.  I’m going to use this blog in a different way than I originally intended.

 I started this blog as my “business” blog to showcase my writing for business owners.   I still want to offer services to business owners and I continue to receive email requests ranging from personal “About Me” pages to requests for blogging services.  But I’ve now decided to use this blog as a means to take me to my happy place.

My happy place is my “personal” writing and there’s really nothing business-like about it.  I tend to become really prolific when I’m having a tough time in my personal life and once things even out my writing dries up.  Go figure!  So here goes.  I’ve been reading some of my old writing and it will be posted here along with my new writing.

My first entry for the new direction of this blog makes me smile so wide, I just have to post it.  It’s from a journal I have in my possession from 1994.  Yes you read that right.  I was such a sweet innocent little thing.

10.21.1994

Here we are sitting on this cold, white car waiting for my parents to pick me up.  You have on your dad's black jacket with the creases in the arms where they've been bent over and again.  I look at your forehead and see tiny lines etched across it.  As you talk your breath puffs out of your mouth and floats away like cartoon bubbles with words in them.

I can't help but look at the mole on your lip that reminds me of a grain of pepper that won't fall off.  Then I talk and you stare at me with the wind blowing my hair and turning my nose rosy.  I think you're staring at something on my face when I realize you're looking right into my eyes.

I've stopped talking now and you have no more to say either.  Our eyes are fixed on one another.  I can see the movie theater lights shining behind your head and I can hear the buzz of the crowd.  Yet these things are a blur to me as we sit and stare at each other while the minutes pass by.  A shiver runs though me but I can't figure out if it's from the cold or your penetrating stare.  The one thing I know is, this is the first time I realized I love you.

Constant Contact vs Mail Chimp

Hello out there in cyberspace!

In my efforts to increase the knowledge base of my fellow small business owners, today I'm going to do something that might shock you.  I'm going to point you somewhere else other than this awesome blog. SHOCKER!!!  But my hope is that you'll continue to come back to see what other gems I've found.

I had the pleasure of working with a few nonprofit organizations in the past and they always need the most help because of the obvious (limited funds).  They send me work from time to time and I want to keep giving back.  So I'm always on the lookout for things that I can pass on to my nonprofit buddies which will help their bottom line. 

Recently I received an email from my nonprofit friend and I noticed that the company is still using Constant Contact.  While Constant Contact was all the rage years ago, it has lost some favor.  It's still a useful option for emailing large lists, but I knew it was only a matter of time before someone came up with something better.

I still remember when I would hear the director of the nonprofit groaning over the Constant Contact software at her desk.  So I know some of the issues noted in the following article about Constant Contact are true.  I've been researching Mail Chimp for my own marketing efforts.  I have to say what gets me the most excited is the savings on mail lists that have less than 500 email addresses.  It's FREE!  We all know when you're starting out a business that it can take over a year to amass that amount of email addresses.  Without further adieu, enjoy this article(<--click there) comparing Constant Contact and Mail Chimp from Author Tech Tips.

That's all for now,

The Writer 4 Hire

I Broke the Internet

Good Morning and Happy Cinco de Mayo!  Today’s post is a small ode to some of the people who inspire me with my writing endeavors or general business ideas.  If you’re reading this you might be a small business owner (like me), a work at home mom,  or a tall handsome man with…wait sorry.  This isn’t that type of blog.

Like most bloggers, I’d like to think at some point I’ll write something so brilliant that it will literally cause the internet to break.  But in the meantime, I’m settling for comments and inbox messages that encourage me to push forward with my goal to provide excellent content worth reading.  Today I feel that I must give a shout out to a few individuals who inspire me with their enthusiasm, tips, and overall tech savvy ideas.  I love reading and I look at the internet as one big manual.  These people have helped me without knowing they’ve helped me.   So here goes:

1.  Sharon Hurley Hall I'd like to attribute my first paying client to Sharon.  I don't know what actually came together for me when reading her site.  But one day I was in the middle of one of Sharon's posts on facebook and I received an email from a friend asking me to edit something.  At that very moment I realized I could get paid to do what I was already doing anyway.

2.  Being Mrs. Jones Christina is the brilliant designer behind BiancaFace (my mommy blog).  She owns Visual Luxe and I can vouch for her customer service.  I looked at Being Mrs. Jones and how she integrated Visual Luxe into that blog in such a subtle way that it just made sense!

3.  Daniel Sharkov I found Daniel via twitter.  I must admit at first I was scared because he looks menacing in that profile picture.  But after I took the time to click on his blog, I knew I hit the jackpot.  He has loads of tips that are helpful to bloggers like myself.

4.  P.S.Jones I found Princess(that's her real name) via twitter as well.  I literally found her just a few short weeks ago.  She maintains a few blogs and I'm having a hard time figuring out which one is my favorite at the moment.  But I'd recommend starting here.  I'm going to be updating this site as a matter of fact mostly because of her example.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it!  I really should have another male to throw in the mix.  But hey, I'm being honest.  These are the sites I find myself lurking on or drawn to over and over.  However, if you have some recommendations I'm all ears.